I’m Sorry
I’m really sorry about the lack of blogging, but I doubt it’s going to pick up anytime soon.
2010 has sapped my positivity. I started the year full of energy and excitement. Good things were coming my way. Now, I still believe that last part, but the six weeks we’ve spent in 2010 seem intent on beating me down until I give in.
I rang in the New Year with the tail end of a nasty virus. I beat it, but it was still a while before I felt good enough to start tackling exercise again. Around that time, the family squabbles started.
Somewhere in there, I received feedback on Pretty Souls that was spot on. Sadly it also meant I would have to re-write almost the entire thing. I’d just finished the super-rough draft on Partly Human, and even the thought of tackling my girls again filled me with dread. Don’t get me wrong, I love them (and I adore the person who gave me the feedback — better to know now and all that), but I just couldn’t handle starting over again.
Even though it hurt, I hung up my PRT querying shoes, pulled up my big girl panties, and moved on to a new project. The first week, I churned out 10,000 words in four days. Then I was informed that I needed another leg to my plot. Again, this was a GOOD thing to find out, especially so early on. The only problem was it killed my momentum. So, I went back and worked in the threads of this other part of the plot. I was ready to roll again.
And then my dog, Bailey, started getting worse. For those of you who don’t know, Bailey suffered through an array of problems over the last year. She got a pacemaker in March, but the increased blood flow didn’t help the problems she was having with her legs. In November, we started taking her for acupuncture. It helped a little, but in December, she lost almost all control of her left hind leg. Whenever she walked, she dragged it along after her.
While the acupuncture helped, it wasn’t a cure. Throughout the last month and a half, she began losing control of her bodily functions. Watching her like that and trying to care for her taught me some stuff about myself, and none of it was very pretty. So along with coping with her decline, I was trying to accept some harsh things about myself.
Last Friday, we put Bailey to sleep. My heart breaks a little bit still every day. I know we did right by her, but I wish I could have been better. I wish I could have been stronger for her. But I wasn’t.
I suppose just like we accepted all her personality quirks over the years, she probably accepted me for who I am. It doesn’t change the fact that I feel like she spent fourteen years giving me unconditional love when I didn’t deserve it. I’ve heard it said that the best friends are the ones who teach you things about yourself that you never knew. In that case, Bailey was and always will be my best friend. The sad truth is, I will probably never live up to the person she thought I was, but I’m trying.
I miss you, Bailey girl, our lives are so much emptier without you here.
Posted: February 9th, 2010 under Uncategorized.
Comments
Comment from Laura
Time February 17, 2010 at 3:34 am
Julie, I am so sorry for your loss of your friend Bailey. I am also happy for you that you were blessed by fourteen years of her love. Please try not to beat yourself up with fears that you did not deserve it. You know that Bailey never for one moment worried herself with such a notion.
My dog, Kendal, came to me during a dark and ugly time in my life. She had been my parents’ dog before she decided to be my dog. She lived with them for nine years. They looked after her well, and she loved them. But when everything fell apart in my life, she came out to visit me one day, and let everyone know, very clearly, that she would be staying.
Why? Why choose to live with me when I was angry and stressed out and depressed? Why choose to live in my house with a half flight of stairs leading up to the front door when she was afraid of stairs and could have stayed in my parents’ house which has not even a doorstep? Why give up the comfortable existence which she knew to move to a strange city where she had to do something everyday which terrified her, all so she could be with someone (me) who had to have been radiating fear and anger on a daily basis?
I don’t know why. But I do know that I survived that dark and ugly time because, when I had nothing else, Kendal gave me her unconditional love.
The beauty of unconditional love is that we don’t need to deserve it. (How could we?) We only need to accept it, and to try to give our love as best as we are able.
You accepted Bailey’s love, and you gave her your love as best as you were able. That was enough for Bailey. I think she would want it to be enough for you too.
Comment from Jodi Meadows
Time February 14, 2010 at 5:03 pm
I’m sorry to hear it’s been such a cruddy year already. That sucks.